Loneliness does not simply mean being alone. Being alone is often a choice, and sometimes it just happens. But being alone and being lonely are two different things.
Being alone is not a bad thing. We all need personal space, time to be alone with ourselves. There are many people who live alone but do not feel lonely. On the contrary, they enjoy their freedom and solitude and manage to live a full and satisfying life.
Conversely, we can live surrounded by people, have a family, but still feel lonely, misunderstood, and unsatisfied.
Loneliness is actually a state of mind.
It is associated with sadness and a feeling of inadequacy. Lonely people often feel forgotten, unappreciated, misunderstood, or unnecessary.
How to deal with loneliness?
You’ve probably already heard advice on how to deal with loneliness – to go out more, to visit places where there are many people, to enroll in a course or sport, to sign up for a dating site, to socialize…
But in fact, the first step in dealing with loneliness has nothing to do with meeting other people; it is about confronting your own thought patterns and fears.
Because a lonely person with distorted thinking patterns and low self-esteem, even if they sign up for a course, go to sports, or join a dating site, is very likely to find themselves in situations that make them feel rejected and unaccepted again.
The causes of loneliness, which brings suffering and becomes a way of life, generally are:
- Distorted thinking patterns
- Low self-esteem and negative beliefs about oneself (or about people in general)
- Fear of rejection
One of the distorted thinking patterns seen in people with low self-esteem who feel lonely and isolated is generalization. Generalization means that we do not consider all the facts but cling to one, assuming it is the rule. Generalized thinking includes words like “nobody, everybody, never, always.” For example: “Nobody likes me, nobody understands me, everybody hates me, I’ll never have friends, I always embarrass myself…”
Someone abandons us, and we decide that everyone abandons us. Someone insults us, and we assume that everyone mocks and insults us…
Another such thinking pattern is filtering – when we only see the negative in situations and the attitude of others towards us, while we are blind to the good. For example, a friend is very kind to us, does us a favor, and we have a good time together, but at the end of the evening, he says something about our bag (that he doesn’t like such styles or something similar), and we decide that he doesn’t like us at all, that he probably thinks we are not good enough, etc.
A further thinking pattern that hinders our communication is mind reading. In this pattern, we assume that others think exactly like us. For example, you’re walking down the street with a colleague or acquaintance, and he is frowning and silent the whole time. You decide, “I’m boring him, he thinks I’m stupid, he’s trying to get away from my company, he’s bored with me…” But he could be frowning because he has his own problem, entirely unrelated to you, or he might be nervous and thus silent… But these thoughts of yours are a projection of your own opinion about yourself. You transfer them onto the other person and assume your interlocutor is thinking the same.
Catastrophic thinking is another pattern, where it’s typical to expect the worst, dramatize, and exaggerate things. For example: “What if I stay alone all my life, if I grow old and there’s no one to give me a glass of water…,” or “At this party, it’s going to be terrible, I’ll just be standing alone the whole time…”
Other such thinking patterns include self-blame – when we constantly criticize, insult, and don’t value ourselves; and comparison – when we constantly compare ourselves to others, only seeing our flaws compared to them; and others.
How to overcome distorted thinking patterns:
Start by listening to your inner monologue and how you define things. Watch for statements with generalizing terms – “nobody, everybody, never, always,” observe your most frequent thoughts and statements about yourself, the world, and others’ attitudes towards you, and write them down.
Write each statement on a new line. Then review them and determine your thinking patterns. If you notice you’re generalizing, start changing the statements to more realistic ones by being specific.
For example, if you think:
- “Nobody likes me,” replace it with more specific facts: > Some people, like Ivan (or Peter…), seem not to like me, but others, like that guy at the party the other night, do like me. Also, Mimi and Lily are very polite to me. Plus, Moni and Stefi often invite me to their place. I do have two friends I go out with occasionally…
Continue to write more facts and positive statements, like: I don’t know everyone in the world, so saying nobody likes me is unrealistic. In the future, I can have many friends.
And you will see that things are not as bad as the “movie” your mind is creating.
If you notice you’re filtering, once again, against every negative statement, write a more realistic description of the situation. Think of other facts you are ignoring or downplaying and start describing them.
If you realize you’re thinking catastrophically, you can again turn each negative thought into a more positive one.
For example, if you think:
- “I will be alone my whole life, there will be no one to take care of me if I get sick, I’ll be alone during holidays, I’ll die in loneliness…,” start writing positive statements like: > I trust myself and life. A higher power takes care of me, and I am never alone. When I live with trust and love for myself, I will always attract loving people to help me. Everything I need will come to me. I trust that if I need someone or something, it will appear at the right moment. Everything is okay…
Every thought or belief of yours can be transformed into a positive, accepting, and trusting attitude.
Then, read the new, more positive and constructive statements and repeat them.
If you do this often, you will see that soon the thinking pattern will begin to change, and you will learn to see the world in a new way.
Meditation to Overcome Loneliness:
Sit in a quiet place… You can put on some pleasant music… Close your eyes. Relax your body, relax your muscles… Focus on each part… Clear your mind of all thoughts… Be present, here and now, and concentrate on the present moment. Inhale and exhale deeply a few times… Feel the peace within you…
Now imagine that it is evening, and you are walking down the streets… You walk aimlessly, just strolling and observing the surroundings. Visualize passing by houses, apartment blocks with hundreds of lit windows… Look at them… Realize that behind each light, there is a whole world, behind every window, there is a home, warmth, a family… Feel that warmth… Transfer it to your heart. Imagine a gentle, pleasant light glowing within you, filling you with harmony… Inside you, there is harmony and warmth, and everything is okay. Feel at home, where you are accepted and surrounded by loving people, a home where you are cared for… This feeling is within you… Hold it for a few minutes and enjoy it… immerse yourself in it…
Stay in this state for a while, then slowly begin to return to reality, to the room where you are… Move your hands a little, rub them together, stretch your legs… stretch… and when you’re ready, open your eyes.
How to Know Your True Friends – Prof. Jordan Peterson